What Women Want From Men, Dating and
Relationships
by Toni Coleman, LCSW
Dear Dating Coach,
I have been dating a woman for almost three months. Lately, I have been
confused about her behavior and need help to understand what is going on
with us and what I can (should) do about it. Our relationship has gone from
her calling me "sweetie" and asking for more intimacy; to telling me that I
am pressuring her and need to stop pushing so hard. I have no problem going
at whatever pace she is comfortable with, and I have told her this. In the
past few weeks she has cancelled plans on several occasions, saying that she
needs time to think because she feels afraid and uncertain about things.
When I ask her to share her feelings with me, she becomes defensive and asks
me to leave her alone. I have told her to do what she needs to and I will be
here when she is ready. After several days of no contact she did call and
ask me about my weekend plans. This is becoming very confusing. Do you have
any ideas about what I could do to break this cycle and/or what she may be
afraid or concerned about?
When I received this email, my
first thought was that the problem seemed obvious- at least to me. Her
feelings had changed. The reasons were unclear, and somehow they didn't seem
to be as important as the simple truth that it was over. But perhaps they
really were. After all, if he could gain some understanding of what went
wrong it could help him to make the right decisions now and avoid repeating
this pattern in future relationships. Therefore, my advice to him included a
recommendation that he ask her for honest feedback regarding her feelings
about him and the relationship. Armed with a carefully scripted and thought
out approach to the subject, he was increasing his chances of opening up a
useful dialogue with her that at the very least, could offer him the insight
and closure he needed. After careful preparation, he arranged for a talk
about "them". Things got off to an ok start, however she soon began to act
defensively and then shut down, essentially refusing to discuss her feelings
or answer his questions directly and/or with candor. This left him with a
decision. Should he step back from pursing this discussion with her, just
maintaining the status quo; or should he take action based on what he
believed was the problem and what would be in his best interest over time.
He struggled with making this choice because he was able to rationalize her
behavior and make up plausible excuses for what was happening. This left him
with (false) hope and a feeling of powerlessness.
As a dating coach, I receive
(and answer) many emails from men like the one above. My advice is based on
the knowledge and expertise gained from years of experience in working with
the complex dynamics that occur between people. However, as the world of
meeting and dating continues to evolve; I have found it useful to talk to
the people who are out there living it, and gather their insights and
observations. I asked a group of 20-30 something, professional, single women
to share their thoughts and reactions to the above email. Our discussion
also covered their likes/dislikes, turn-ons and offs and the qualities they
look for in a potential partner. I wanted candid, unedited comments that I
could share with this writer and with all the guys out there who are
confused by the behavior of the women they are meeting and dating.
Their feedback on the email
question was fairly consistent. His girlfriend's feelings had changed. They
believed she wanted to break things off but didn't know how to or was
uncomfortable being the bad guy. One woman shared that in at least one of
her past relationships, she had behaved very badly towards him, hoping HE
would end it. Another woman stated, "There are women out there who act very
lovingly in order to get a guy, then become who they really are once they
have him." All agreed that he should end it and give himself the chance to
meet someone who is ready for a relationship and truly wants one with him.
On the subject of men who turn
them on, the women came up with similar attributes and ranked them in order
of importance. Sense of humor and intelligence topped the list. We discussed
these as critical components in friendship and compatibility. Attributes
such as stable, mature, positive, loving and good father material all
weighed in equally as close seconds with the 30 somethings. The younger
women stated that they have not given much thought to the importance of
those things yet. All of the woman said that their ideal guy had to be the
right type, even though the two groups differed somewhat in their preferred
type. Adjectives like clean cut, polished, conservative, not too
conservative, very confident and with a certain style of dress- were used to
describe Mr. Right. All of the women said that it was important to them that
their man be assertive, ambitious and able to earn a good living. They felt
this was important in order to have a family someday and/or have more
lifestyle options available to them. When one of the women shared her need
for a good listener, who "doesn't try to fix the problem", all of the women
said, "yes" in a strong chorus.
When I asked for their list(s)
of turn-off's and pet peeves; the conversation turned to physical
attraction, which had little mention in the first part of our discussion.
All stressed the importance of good sexual (and overall) chemistry. They
cited attributes such as "too frail", "crooked teeth" and "overly muscled"
as deal breakers for them. The younger group of women placed a greater
emphasis on looks and a need for excitement in their relationships. All
agreed that they would not choose a partner who was lacking in ambition
and/or who was egotistical and (most likely) unable to be the other half of
a giving and supportive union.
The subject of dating brought
up the greatest difference in views between the two age groups. The younger
women had a less defined view of what a date is. Meeting at a bar, a last
minute get together and sharing the tab were all seen dating, when out with
a non-platonic friend. However, the 30 somethings felt a date should be
arranged ahead of time with one person (formally) asking the other one out.
All felt that the woman should at least offer to split the tab, but that the
man should always pick up the check. All agreed that "hooking-up" and "booty
calls" are not dates.
The women all said that when
they really like a guy their feelings are expressed in the way they treat
him. One woman stated that words are not the way women usually express their
interest- especially early in a relationship. Everyone agreed that a man can
know how a woman feels by the nice things she does for him. If she shows a
lot of interest in him, cares about what he has to say, and wants to know
what is going on in his life- she really likes him.
Lastly, we discussed the
telltale signs of a woman's lack- or loss- of interest. They will not answer
(or return) calls, say they are busy/unavailable or use some indirect way to
communicate their disinterest. The key point they all agreed on is that
women "are taught to be nice, not mean." This is probably why you guys out
there are so confused when a woman says one thing and does another.
The differences between men
and woman have been talked about in books, portrayed in film and used in
some of the best punch lines. This us/them emphasis seems to have
contributed to the misinterpretations and poor communication that so many
singles lament. This dating coach thinks that dating and relationship
communication will be improved when men and women learn to listen to, and
really hear, what each other are saying (verbally and non-verbally). Deep
listening without an assumption that interpretation and translation is
required should help to bring clarity, openness and candor. Imagine a dating
game where everyone speaks the same language and there are rules for fair
play. I'm already imagining an inbox that is not constantly overflowing.
About The Author
Toni Coleman, MSW is a licensed psychotherapist and relationship coach who
has been quoted in many publications including: The Chicago Tribune and The
Orlando Sentinel newspapers and Family Circle, Woman's Day, and Star
magazines. She has been featured on ABC News; Discovery Health Channel and
AOL Online. She is a weekly contributing commentator on the KTRS Radio
Morning Show, (St. Louis, MO). Toni founded Consum-mate.com in 2002.
Now that you know what women want and expect from dating and relationships, select your state
to give her a try. Use the above information to meet women near
you.
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